It's been awhile since I came here to let go of a few feelings. After "giving up" TTC another child we fell pregnant almost immediately. In May of 2007, we conceived at the "Happiest Place on Earth"- yep, Disney World. The result was my second beautiful daugher, born at 40w5d in the end of January 2008. She was born after a lightening quick labor weighing 7lb11oz and 20" long.
She is a dream come true- an easy baby, a great sleeper. I am truly honored to be her mother. She is now nearing 5 months of age...and we've plans to try one last time. This time, we hope for a healthy baby boy to even our pink and blue teams and to complete our family. The catch is that as I am nursing our daughter and there is no sign that my cycles will resume anytime soon. So our plans to TTc again may be sligtly delayed. In the meantime, I'm enjoying DD#2 and our family of 5. She is growing up too quickly...already sitting in a "tripod" position, eating cereal like a champ, and loves playing with her big brother and sister. I can't wait to see what she will do next.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
A Plan
I feel more than ever that this is not my month so I have zero hope in my heart for a BFP. I won't even be testing early (I usually test at 10DPO) because I feel zero temptation to see a negative pregnancy test.
Meanwhile, I have been doing a lot of soul searching today- trying to sort things out in my head regarding my family, my dreams, what is best for us versus what we think we *want*. I am wondering if maybe God thinks that my family is complete and if DH and I are fighting a losing battle. I am not a super religious person but I believe in a higher power and wonder sometimes if I am just tempting fate.
So I've been trying to come up with a plan. DH told me that this month is going to hurt him more than any other month if I tell him I am not pregnant/AF has started again. I am so scared of this reaction because DH has ALWAYS been the strong one between the two of us- the positive one. If he gives up on any hint of optimism, there will be none left. With this in mind, DH and I decided that we're going to give it 2 more months after this month to take advantage of the "increased fertility" afforded by an HSG (although does it really provide increased fertility if the source of infertility is an overall lack of sperm?) and then we're going to stop. No charting, no temping, no OPKs or fertility monitors. We aren't going to prevent but we aren't going to do anything at all that resembles "trying." We are going to move on with our lives and if we are given another pregnancy and baby we would be overjoyed. But if not, we have to "move on."
Now the question is: Move on to what?
Meanwhile, I have been doing a lot of soul searching today- trying to sort things out in my head regarding my family, my dreams, what is best for us versus what we think we *want*. I am wondering if maybe God thinks that my family is complete and if DH and I are fighting a losing battle. I am not a super religious person but I believe in a higher power and wonder sometimes if I am just tempting fate.
So I've been trying to come up with a plan. DH told me that this month is going to hurt him more than any other month if I tell him I am not pregnant/AF has started again. I am so scared of this reaction because DH has ALWAYS been the strong one between the two of us- the positive one. If he gives up on any hint of optimism, there will be none left. With this in mind, DH and I decided that we're going to give it 2 more months after this month to take advantage of the "increased fertility" afforded by an HSG (although does it really provide increased fertility if the source of infertility is an overall lack of sperm?) and then we're going to stop. No charting, no temping, no OPKs or fertility monitors. We aren't going to prevent but we aren't going to do anything at all that resembles "trying." We are going to move on with our lives and if we are given another pregnancy and baby we would be overjoyed. But if not, we have to "move on."
Now the question is: Move on to what?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
HSG Cycle
Onto yet another month. Month 9 of TTC #3 to be exact. I'm currently on the 6th day of my cycle. In just 3 short days I'll be having an HSG performed. I am a bit nervous about the whole procedure. After running a quick Google search, I have had the priviledge to read 100s of posts from women regarding their HSG experiences. Some state that it was about as uncomfortable as their yearly GYN visit. Others say they felt like they were being tortured from within the holiest of holies. I'm hoping I'm in the former group. I'll be taking some Advil and a prescribed pill to reduce cramping. I'm going to see if I can find some Valium or Xanax (or both?) too.
The HSG should provide 3 months of increased fertility by effectively cleaning out my tubes and any small blockages that are slowing/preventing the passage of sperm to my egg(s). I am hoping that the HSG overcomes hubby's low sperm count issues and gives his (few) swimmers a smooth passage way to the goal (did I mention that I read an article last night that stated that men with counts below 20mil/Ml are considered "functionally sterile?" My DH's count was 16 mil/ML. Not good).
Overall, I am encouraged for this month but know that what will be...will be. I just pray that my cervix is nice and open and my tubes are nice and clear so that my HSG experience will be a good one.
The HSG should provide 3 months of increased fertility by effectively cleaning out my tubes and any small blockages that are slowing/preventing the passage of sperm to my egg(s). I am hoping that the HSG overcomes hubby's low sperm count issues and gives his (few) swimmers a smooth passage way to the goal (did I mention that I read an article last night that stated that men with counts below 20mil/Ml are considered "functionally sterile?" My DH's count was 16 mil/ML. Not good).
Overall, I am encouraged for this month but know that what will be...will be. I just pray that my cervix is nice and open and my tubes are nice and clear so that my HSG experience will be a good one.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Why can't I get pregnant?
The cat is already out of the bag if you look at the title of this post- I didn't get pregnant last cycle. My period came right on time, like clockwork. Much time has passed and I am already 5 or 6DPO again, about half way through my two week wait. In the past couple weeks my dear husband (DH) went to get a semen analysis (SA) done. Turns out that my husband, who had NO problem getting me pregnant before has a low sperm count! Shocker. I wish that this made me feel better- that it was an explanation for our problems. However, just because there is a problem with him does not mean that I am problem-free. If we don't get pregnant in the next few months, I'm going to go ahead and get a hysterosalpingogram done and maybe some bloodwork and see if I may also be a contributing factor to our fertility challenges.
Meanwhile, we had a pretty good try at it this month with three baby-dances on ovulation day (go DH!). Yet, I'm already setting myself up for the inevitable. Yep, Negative Nancy. I don't have any pregnancy tests in the house so I don't have any ability to test even if I wanted to...and strangely enough I don't want to.
Meanwhile, we had a pretty good try at it this month with three baby-dances on ovulation day (go DH!). Yet, I'm already setting myself up for the inevitable. Yep, Negative Nancy. I don't have any pregnancy tests in the house so I don't have any ability to test even if I wanted to...and strangely enough I don't want to.
Monday, January 8, 2007
6DPO
So my "current" obssession is conception...am I pregnant, am I not pregnant, and most importantly: why have I not gotten pregnant as fast as I did the previous two times?
My son was conceived my first month charting following three months of no OPKs, no charting... nothing but our lousy intuition telling us when it was time to do the deed. If you do the math, that is a total of four months that it took for me to fall pregnant with my son. My daughter took four beers. I was just two weeks off of the birth control pill and we were actually trying to AVOID pregnancy that month. She was the best surprise I'd ever (and will ever) been given.
We are now on our 6th cycle of TTC #3. I brought out my trusty old fertility monitor and put in fresh batteries. I purchased a new basal body thermometer and started taking all the right supplements (green tea, Mucinex, folica acid and my prenatal vitamins). Five tries later, nothing but one false positive/chemical pregnancy and a wastebasket full of negative pregnancy tests. Onto cycle #6.
Prior to cycle #6, I swore off charting, all OPK's, and my monitor. In fact, I was so upset following AF's arrival for the fifth time, that I'd even considered swearing off trying to conceive (TTC) in order to simply avoid the stress of another month of trying and seeing that I'd failed yet another (pregnancy) test. Regardless, I decided that for cycle number 6 I was just going to let go of all control in the TTC process and just let "nature" take over.
However, mid-cycle my body started showing all the usual fertile signs and I started showing all of the usual craziness. I marched off to the drugstore and purchased a box of OPKs. I tested not once a day, but twice until all seven of the tests were gone. I tested so much that I ended up having to go out to the store to buy yet another box of OPKs prior to confirming an LH surge on the fourteenth day of my cycle.
I am now 6 days past ovulation. I have started to feel crampy today which is a *bad* sign for me and I just know that it is all over for us yet again. Despite all of these negative signs and intuitions I decided to pick up a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests (three tests in total) and use ALL THREE TESTS. Yes, at SIX DPO. Even if I were pregnant, it would be next to impossible.....no, it would be impossible....for the pregnancy test to register the hormone in my body. Yet it didn't stop me from trying- THREE TIMES. Nor did it stop me from being depressed when I saw three tests with one line on them.
The worst thing is that in addition to the feelings of depression I feel something new this month....GUILT. I was so guilty that I disassembled the tests and put them in a trash bag. I then placed that trash bag inside of the kitchen trash and brought it all out to our outside waste bin.
I promised my husband that I would not obssess this month. I promised myself that I would not test early this month. I promised my sanity that I would stick to these committments and not cave in....that I would show some self control. And yet again, I've failed.
So now I sit, 6 DPO, sad and guilty with that crampy little feeling looming in my uterus, speaking of periods to come. If I make it to 13DPO without starting my period, the test will show a different result. Will I make it to 13 DPO before testing again? I promise I will make it to 10 DPO without testing. Baby steps.
My son was conceived my first month charting following three months of no OPKs, no charting... nothing but our lousy intuition telling us when it was time to do the deed. If you do the math, that is a total of four months that it took for me to fall pregnant with my son. My daughter took four beers. I was just two weeks off of the birth control pill and we were actually trying to AVOID pregnancy that month. She was the best surprise I'd ever (and will ever) been given.
We are now on our 6th cycle of TTC #3. I brought out my trusty old fertility monitor and put in fresh batteries. I purchased a new basal body thermometer and started taking all the right supplements (green tea, Mucinex, folica acid and my prenatal vitamins). Five tries later, nothing but one false positive/chemical pregnancy and a wastebasket full of negative pregnancy tests. Onto cycle #6.
Prior to cycle #6, I swore off charting, all OPK's, and my monitor. In fact, I was so upset following AF's arrival for the fifth time, that I'd even considered swearing off trying to conceive (TTC) in order to simply avoid the stress of another month of trying and seeing that I'd failed yet another (pregnancy) test. Regardless, I decided that for cycle number 6 I was just going to let go of all control in the TTC process and just let "nature" take over.
However, mid-cycle my body started showing all the usual fertile signs and I started showing all of the usual craziness. I marched off to the drugstore and purchased a box of OPKs. I tested not once a day, but twice until all seven of the tests were gone. I tested so much that I ended up having to go out to the store to buy yet another box of OPKs prior to confirming an LH surge on the fourteenth day of my cycle.
I am now 6 days past ovulation. I have started to feel crampy today which is a *bad* sign for me and I just know that it is all over for us yet again. Despite all of these negative signs and intuitions I decided to pick up a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests (three tests in total) and use ALL THREE TESTS. Yes, at SIX DPO. Even if I were pregnant, it would be next to impossible.....no, it would be impossible....for the pregnancy test to register the hormone in my body. Yet it didn't stop me from trying- THREE TIMES. Nor did it stop me from being depressed when I saw three tests with one line on them.
The worst thing is that in addition to the feelings of depression I feel something new this month....GUILT. I was so guilty that I disassembled the tests and put them in a trash bag. I then placed that trash bag inside of the kitchen trash and brought it all out to our outside waste bin.
I promised my husband that I would not obssess this month. I promised myself that I would not test early this month. I promised my sanity that I would stick to these committments and not cave in....that I would show some self control. And yet again, I've failed.
So now I sit, 6 DPO, sad and guilty with that crampy little feeling looming in my uterus, speaking of periods to come. If I make it to 13DPO without starting my period, the test will show a different result. Will I make it to 13 DPO before testing again? I promise I will make it to 10 DPO without testing. Baby steps.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
And so it begins...
Yes, it is official- my very first post in my very first blog. I guess I am a little bit tardy to the blog ball- but I've got my fancy mommy ballgown on (does a stained white t-shirt count?), both of my kids down for a nap, and I'm ready to get started!
Since there is no other logical place for me to start, I'll start at the beginning...
I'm 29 years old (and holding), married to my husband for 5 years and have two fantastic children. My son is 3 1/2, my daughter just turned 2 in December. They are my partners in crime, my perfect pair. The four of us live in central Florida (a blog on hurricanes is most definitely guaranteed for this summer/fall).
In my "former life" I was an attorney on the fast track of a BIGLAW career. Although my days are a bit different now, they are none the less just as challenging and (it is true) are far more rewarding. For example, just today I finally figured out (after much frustration) just how to get my Pillsbury rolls to look more like crescents and less like a somewhat phallic blob of dough.
In all seriousness, though, my days are filled with unbelievably wonderful and unbelievably frustrating moments (as the days of all parents inevitably are) and I can't wait to get started writing them all down.
Since there is no other logical place for me to start, I'll start at the beginning...
I'm 29 years old (and holding), married to my husband for 5 years and have two fantastic children. My son is 3 1/2, my daughter just turned 2 in December. They are my partners in crime, my perfect pair. The four of us live in central Florida (a blog on hurricanes is most definitely guaranteed for this summer/fall).
In my "former life" I was an attorney on the fast track of a BIGLAW career. Although my days are a bit different now, they are none the less just as challenging and (it is true) are far more rewarding. For example, just today I finally figured out (after much frustration) just how to get my Pillsbury rolls to look more like crescents and less like a somewhat phallic blob of dough.
In all seriousness, though, my days are filled with unbelievably wonderful and unbelievably frustrating moments (as the days of all parents inevitably are) and I can't wait to get started writing them all down.
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