A Plan

I feel more than ever that this is not my month so I have zero hope in my heart for a BFP. I won't even be testing early (I usually test at 10DPO) because I feel zero temptation to see a negative pregnancy test.

Meanwhile, I have been doing a lot of soul searching today- trying to sort things out in my head regarding my family, my dreams, what is best for us versus what we think we *want*. I am wondering if maybe God thinks that my family is complete and if DH and I are fighting a losing battle. I am not a super religious person but I believe in a higher power and wonder sometimes if I am just tempting fate.

So I've been trying to come up with a plan. DH told me that this month is going to hurt him more than any other month if I tell him I am not pregnant/AF has started again. I am so scared of this reaction because DH has ALWAYS been the strong one between the two of us- the positive one. If he gives up on any hint of optimism, there will be none left. With this in mind, DH and I decided that we're going to give it 2 more months after this month to take advantage of the "increased fertility" afforded by an HSG (although does it really provide increased fertility if the source of infertility is an overall lack of sperm?) and then we're going to stop. No charting, no temping, no OPKs or fertility monitors. We aren't going to prevent but we aren't going to do anything at all that resembles "trying." We are going to move on with our lives and if we are given another pregnancy and baby we would be overjoyed. But if not, we have to "move on."

Now the question is: Move on to what?

HSG Cycle

Onto yet another month. Month 9 of TTC #3 to be exact. I'm currently on the 6th day of my cycle. In just 3 short days I'll be having an HSG performed. I am a bit nervous about the whole procedure. After running a quick Google search, I have had the priviledge to read 100s of posts from women regarding their HSG experiences. Some state that it was about as uncomfortable as their yearly GYN visit. Others say they felt like they were being tortured from within the holiest of holies. I'm hoping I'm in the former group. I'll be taking some Advil and a prescribed pill to reduce cramping. I'm going to see if I can find some Valium or Xanax (or both?) too.

The HSG should provide 3 months of increased fertility by effectively cleaning out my tubes and any small blockages that are slowing/preventing the passage of sperm to my egg(s). I am hoping that the HSG overcomes hubby's low sperm count issues and gives his (few) swimmers a smooth passage way to the goal (did I mention that I read an article last night that stated that men with counts below 20mil/Ml are considered "functionally sterile?" My DH's count was 16 mil/ML. Not good).

Overall, I am encouraged for this month but know that what will be...will be. I just pray that my cervix is nice and open and my tubes are nice and clear so that my HSG experience will be a good one.