6DPO

So my "current" obssession is conception...am I pregnant, am I not pregnant, and most importantly: why have I not gotten pregnant as fast as I did the previous two times?

My son was conceived my first month charting following three months of no OPKs, no charting... nothing but our lousy intuition telling us when it was time to do the deed. If you do the math, that is a total of four months that it took for me to fall pregnant with my son. My daughter took four beers. I was just two weeks off of the birth control pill and we were actually trying to AVOID pregnancy that month. She was the best surprise I'd ever (and will ever) been given.

We are now on our 6th cycle of TTC #3. I brought out my trusty old fertility monitor and put in fresh batteries. I purchased a new basal body thermometer and started taking all the right supplements (green tea, Mucinex, folica acid and my prenatal vitamins). Five tries later, nothing but one false positive/chemical pregnancy and a wastebasket full of negative pregnancy tests. Onto cycle #6.

Prior to cycle #6, I swore off charting, all OPK's, and my monitor. In fact, I was so upset following AF's arrival for the fifth time, that I'd even considered swearing off trying to conceive (TTC) in order to simply avoid the stress of another month of trying and seeing that I'd failed yet another (pregnancy) test. Regardless, I decided that for cycle number 6 I was just going to let go of all control in the TTC process and just let "nature" take over.

However, mid-cycle my body started showing all the usual fertile signs and I started showing all of the usual craziness. I marched off to the drugstore and purchased a box of OPKs. I tested not once a day, but twice until all seven of the tests were gone. I tested so much that I ended up having to go out to the store to buy yet another box of OPKs prior to confirming an LH surge on the fourteenth day of my cycle.

I am now 6 days past ovulation. I have started to feel crampy today which is a *bad* sign for me and I just know that it is all over for us yet again. Despite all of these negative signs and intuitions I decided to pick up a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests (three tests in total) and use ALL THREE TESTS. Yes, at SIX DPO. Even if I were pregnant, it would be next to impossible.....no, it would be impossible....for the pregnancy test to register the hormone in my body. Yet it didn't stop me from trying- THREE TIMES. Nor did it stop me from being depressed when I saw three tests with one line on them.

The worst thing is that in addition to the feelings of depression I feel something new this month....GUILT. I was so guilty that I disassembled the tests and put them in a trash bag. I then placed that trash bag inside of the kitchen trash and brought it all out to our outside waste bin.

I promised my husband that I would not obssess this month. I promised myself that I would not test early this month. I promised my sanity that I would stick to these committments and not cave in....that I would show some self control. And yet again, I've failed.

So now I sit, 6 DPO, sad and guilty with that crampy little feeling looming in my uterus, speaking of periods to come. If I make it to 13DPO without starting my period, the test will show a different result. Will I make it to 13 DPO before testing again? I promise I will make it to 10 DPO without testing. Baby steps.